February 2006 was a difficult month for me. Maybe difficult isn’t the right word. It was the most awful, terrible month I’d ever had in my life. The awfulness started on February 6th, when I had a miscarriage. I lost our baby. I couldn’t wrap my mind around not being pregnant anymore.
Now, in most of the country, spring doesn’t happen until April; but for us in Phoenix February is the beginning of spring. Things start to bloom and grow and the air smells amazing. Normally it’s my favorite time of year, but this year everything was dull. I couldn’t see past the pain I was in.
When the miscarriage happened, it happened at home. And as strange as it might sound, I kept the baby. My husband stayed home with me the first few days and one thing he suggested was to bury the baby and plant a tree over his body. (We thought it was a boy – no way to know for sure. I was 11 weeks when the miscarriage happened.)
We found a lovely tree. My husband dug the hole and I lovingly placed our little child in it. We prayed and planted the tree and during the next few weeks you’d often find me outside sitting next to it, talking to our baby and praying that I’d be able to conceive again.
One day in March, I came home from work and realized that I hadn’t been sad all day. I might even have laughed a few times. I instantly felt so guilty. How could I dare feel happy after losing a baby? I walked to the backyard to sit by the tree and talk about my guilt and apologize. What I saw made me stop…
The tree, which had previously just been green leaves, had seemed to burst into beautiful dark pink flowers overnight. We knew it was a flowering tree, but the change happened so quickly and the sight of it was so beautiful and bittersweet it took my breath away.
It was then that I knew I was going to be okay.
Rachel Roland is the beautiful wife and Mother; author of Arizona Rachel, a blog dedicated to how her family takes small steps to reduce their impact on the Earth and their health. It is filled with wonderful recipes, organizational projects, reviews and of course I’ve seen giveaways. However, the one thing I loved the most about her blog was there is a section called “Be Thankful” where she writes about the things she is most thankful for. It is a small and beautiful thing and quite unique when it comes to Mommy Blogging strangely. I was overwhelmed at her story that both shook me to the roots as a Mother and left me with a miracle in it’s last breath. I was honored to give her 1st place in our Beautiful Moment Writing Contest and if you want to read more about her I suggest adding her as a friend on her blog Arizona Rachel.