|Photo taken by Woodeye Photo|
A lot of people have been asking me about what is going on, how I’m doing or just sending well wishes. I should have updated the story of, “Little White Pills for Breakfast“. I apologize for not doing so. Sometimes when things happen to me that I can’t seem to get control of I tend to just not want to deal with it. I don’t like when there are problems I can’t ‘fix’. There has always been a way to make things better no matter the circumstance in my life and learning that sometimes things can’t be fixed or ‘made better’ has been a difficult lesson for me.
Following the story of “Little White Pills for Breakfast”, I had went to see my doctor about the symptoms I was feeling and the desire to take blood tests to see how my thyroid was doing. The day I went to get the tests I was just glancing over the paper before handing it to the hospital desk clerk and I saw some p-worded anemia in the right hand bottom corner above “lower back pain”. I didn’t think anything of it and just handed the paper over. My husband asked if I wanted to call the doctor and I said no, probably just some test. A few days later I was reading the paper and came across a Q&A where the question was asking about Pernicious Anemia and I felt like I was paralyzed. That was the word! I thought. I started reading horrible things about it… nerve damage, dementia… and started wracking my brain trying to figure out what section he had written the word in. Was it a test? Was it a diagnosis? The rest of the night was spent in worry regardless of how my husband tried to make me feel better.
In the morning I called about my tests. My thyroid levels dropped and they upped my medication and put me on actual Synthoid instead of the generic. My B12 levels were bottomed out and I was informed I was going to have to take shots every day. My D vitamin levels were bottomed out and I got a huge lecture for not taking enormous vitamin list of pills I was told to take last year. I asked if I had Pernicious Anemia and the nurse said, “Yes, of course, that’s why you are taking the B12 shots every day.” As if I already knew. I said okay and that I would get my prescriptions.
So for the next 24 hours my heart bottomed out with my vitamin levels. My husband wanted me to get a second opinion but I said no, all the symptoms fit. I went there for those very symptoms and my B12 is shot so what else could it be? It was in the same family as a hereditary problem my brother was struck with some years ago and it made sense. 60% of people with Hypothyroidism wind up with this problem, so I’ve read. However, it wasn’t the actual problem that bothered me or made me depressed on some level. It was the fact that all these problems I’m dealing with will never go away. They would never be ‘fixed’ and although I can stave off any future problems, they would never be ‘made better’. I didn’t know how to take that, even though I knew about the Lumbar Arthritis and the Hypothyroidism prior to this new news. It was as if I’d finally came face to face with my own mortality.
I didn’t want to do anything that day and didn’t. It took me a little while to realize nothing had actually changed. That the shots would in fact make some things better… the numbing and tingling in my left hand would probably go away. The fogginess and the issue I have where I am there and then not there (like I fall asleep and ‘wake up’ but never had fallen asleep) should slowly dissipate with the shots. I should start to feel a lot better with my medications all worked out and all the vitamin levels balancing themselves. I’ll still have these things forever, but I realized I already had… I just didn’t know it and I guess that quote came to me, “Knowing is half the battle.”
So thank you for all your kind well wishes and worries. I’m doing okay. I finally got the courage to shoot myself in the leg yesterday evening and my sisters have both offered to shoot me if I couldn’t get myself to do it. They are having way too much fun with that idea. Heh. My Neurosurgeon appointment was put off until Monday due to the Snowapocalypse and until then I have lots of things to keep me busy. My problems are not as bad as some. I remind myself of that every morning when I set out all the pills. It could be worse… it could have been worse, but we caught them before anything bad happened.
I’m really thankful I’m not alone. Yesterday one of my best friends helped me over my fear of the needle so I could take my shot. He’s diabetic and has to take shots every day also. It’s really good to have someone I’m close to that can relate to me. I have my sisters, who albeit are over joyous at the idea of using me as a dart board, are always there if I need someone to talk to. My Mom, who has her share of problems that will never go away and understands how crappy it is to have to swallow down a million pills to feel normal, to lean on. My husband, to hold me. My children to lift my spirits up and the many other people who make me feel guilty for pitying myself. Ha.
… my News Years Resolution to gain weight seems to have really opened up Pandora’s Box.