It’s late. I should be sleeping, but it’s hard when my husband isn’t here; especially when it’s cold. The absence of a warmth that can’t be replaced by cold sheets and empty space.
Things have been kind of rough lately for us. The other day he came home from working two full time jobs back to back on maybe 4 hours of sleep, he happened to show me his hands. They were always strong, calloused, rough working hands but… the appearance of a thousand small slices from blades cutting into his fingers were new. I wanted to cry or kiss them, maybe both. And now the vision haunts me and the best of my efforts involving this home as a Stay-at-Home Mom seems pale in comparison. What scars do I walk away with that are visible, physical, that are tormenting every day? Nothing.. nothing..
We found out on Friday that he’s off his little probation period at work and is now fully available for mandatory overtime. Everyone there works (at least) 1 1/2 shifts a day, 6 days a week and are allowed only 1 day off a month for anything; including sick days. There isn’t much leniency on that and no one can afford to be fired. It’s just how it is. So this week is the testing point and at any time tonight my husband could message and say that he’s going to be there until noon after having already worked a full 8 hour shift at his old job to make ends meet. That’s 32 hours of straight work with what sleep he got last night and this morning. If he could actually make it another 4 hours (a full extra shift instead of 1/2) he’d be able to skip mandatory overtime tomorrow. Their idea of a “nice” choice.
Either way, we all lose here. When he’s home he gets the choice of sleeping or spending time with us, that’s what this job allows families. All those men and women working dead on their feet to supply the military with ammunition… they also lost their paid Thanksgiving Holiday week. I never thought about those families before, the ones that actually make the products our Military needs, until now – when we became one of them. A job is a job is a job though right?
That’s where my thoughts have been lately. I get a little behind here because I’m just trying to keep focused, trying to take what time I have with him and expand it into something rich and not be distracted by the blog in those hours. My tot is having a hard time with everything, though we found that if my husband sends him videos to watch at night it’s a little easier for him to understand and/or at least be content until the hours we have together. This just means I can’t be even the slightest bit distracted when I’m with my son because he really, really needs me right now.
I miss my husband.
His presence here, in our home, to me is worth more than what they could ever offer us, even though they may think otherwise considering their overtime policies. There isn’t much we can do about it though and like all the other families out there, we need insurance. This entire economy is really starting to be felt in every pore of our household when it hadn’t honestly touched us for the majority of the ‘difficult years’ that we’ve all faced together. I feel like I entered a club that I don’t really want to be a part of, but I don’t really have a choice.
So if I am a little slow to respond to something or a little behind on a request… please forgive me. I’m a little bit in a frumpy mood at the moment and although I spent the weekend mostly drowning myself in Parenthood episodes, I haven’t been able to break the feeling that seems to be looming over my head lately.
I hope that you are fairing well, dear readers and that life is blessing you in the small ways that it can. I am at least thankful to have your ear a time or two when I just need to let go the words.