I’ve been an incredibly lost in anger for the past few weeks. Some time ago my brother had what they assumed to be a seizure, though it sounds to me like he had a stroke on one side of his body and a seizure on the other, but since he was conscious the entire time the hospital had no idea what it was. Instead of keeping him to monitor overnight they sent him home and I spent some days really angry about it.
The next week he went in for surgery to try and close the open wound in his skull that has been there for the past year because he didn’t have enough skin to close it. He wound up getting so bad no one was sure what to do. He lost the ability to move his arms, he swelled up and his mental status was failing. The next day he started to get better so they decided, once again, he could go home if he wanted. The day after they weren’t even sure he’d make it! So I spent some more days wanting to go to the St. Louis Children’s Hospital and scream at them. After all, it is supposed to be one of the #1 hospitals in the nation and they kept sending him home and every week he’d wind back up in the ER for something more serious.
The entire reason my brother has been undergoing all these surgeries and hospitalizations for the last year is because a doctor (from a different hospital) forgot to remove a stitch from his original brain surgery in 2001 and his scalp was damaged by radiation therapy. He’s had two open wounds on his head for months that have had multiple infections (why he keeps winding back up in the ER) and after 7 surgeries and 2 tissue expansions, we’re all hoping that his skin stays healthy and the tissue stays alive.
Needless to say, I spent the end of last month and the beginning of this month just angry and distracted. Thankfully my parents are getting a lawyer and taking the neglectful doctor/hospital to court for medical costs and I also hope that if my brother winds back up at St. Louis Children’s Hospital, that they keep him there until he is actually better and stop sending him home when he’s obviously not well.
I couldn’t see him while he was in the hospital and that really hurt. I live only 20 minutes away, but during the entire time my son had the stomach flu. I couldn’t go over there and risk it, so I sat here angry and trying to distract myself with work – getting more and more behind. I couldn’t figure out how not to be angry so I just tried to not think about it and in the off moments, tried to be thankful he was recovering.
I’m not so angry anymore. Watching my son get better everyday and excited to go back to school, his sneakiness at trying to steal pieces of chocolate out of the Advent Calender or the amusing ornaments that he finds to put up on the tree make it hard to be. He always brings me back from my dark clouds.
I’m hoping that the rest of the year brings with it answered prayers and quick healing for my brother and I hope that the blessing of the season warms my heart towards a more peaceful state of mind regarding the circumstances. One of the hardest things for me is coping with situations I cannot do anything about, which have no reason or understanding within them and that leave an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Maybe that’s my lesson for the years end, that sometimes all that one can do is hope.
At least I am making my way back out of the fog.