I don’t know how to begin this post, but I figured I should write something since I haven’t really talked to anyone, or I haven’t really wanted to. Sometimes when all that is left is a great emptiness the last thing you want to fill it with is pity or delusions. I needed it to be empty to keep in perspective why I had chosen what I did.
Three days ago my oldest decided he wanted to move in with his dad.
The truth of it is, I don’t blame him for his decision and in fact think it is the very first adult decision he’s ever made. Through the beginning months of this year he’s made one bad choice after another; for some of us getting away and starting over from scratch is easier and that is what it is for him. He went to visit for the summer and found good people, good friends. He actually got over his issues enough to start volunteering at a church he decided to attend on his own with them, among other things. If you’d known how anxious and impossible my son was to motivate to do anything you’d understand how miraculous it all is that he did this on his own.
So I don’t blame him. Sometimes I am sad because he couldn’t find that part of him here, but I am proud that he had found it nonetheless. I will always want the best for him no matter where that is and no matter the sacrifices. I know I have to give up not being there for his prom, his first car, his first job or his first real love. I have to give up the last few years I had with him before he moved on towards his own life.
But that’s what Mother’s do.
It’s not something you can prepare for whether it is going on 17 or after 18. One day is just the same as the other when it’s time to say good-bye.
We’re currently trying to arrange things so he can come back to see everyone before he moves up there and I have quite a few legal things I have to do for him to switch schools. Then we have the difficulties on sharing this with his little brother who doesn’t understand many things and especially has issues with any of us not being there. It’s enough to keep me busy and keep my head in the right place, but it also doesn’t leave much room for being prompt with emails or having the willpower to call people.
For those loved ones and friends that wonder why I don’t call or talk to them about it. I guess it’s pretty simple. I have had to give up a lot for my son to be where he wants to be in his life and where he’s happy, I don’t want to give up my sadness too.