I’ve been having a really hard time lately. I found out one of my life-mates was in the ICU and it just about broke me. I consider myself a strong person and I don’t usually cry when things happen to people, not that I’m cold or inconsiderate, it’s just that I am one of those people that everyone else goes to. I don’t see death as others do, nor pain or sorrow as the many, so it took me by surprise that I crumbled. I was taken unawares and fell into thousands of pieces from a single text message. You just don’t expect things like that.
I met my friend 13 years ago on a gaming website he owned. He was this person everyone admired and feared, someone absolutely no one knew aside from the other Administrators who were real life friends. You may or may not remember the days that was a stronger term, people were segregated into ‘real-life’ and ‘internet’ as though the digital ones weren’t real. He was only FiH and I was Poae.
I met him in the open chat one day when he happened to be in there and I’m pretty sure our first conversation was making fun of each other. I was so new to the internet at the time that I didn’t have neither tact nor the ability to understand the ‘awe’ of website creators, so as other people tried to get in his good standing, I was pretty defiant and that was what he liked about me. I became close friends with his best friend since childhood and somehow we all were weaved together in this story that was unexpected. It would be a year before I ever was allowed to see a photo of my friend, he was very secret, very stubborn and very separate with his ‘real life’. Later I was given the honor of meeting him and his wife and they’ve been in my heart all these years.
I’ve always believed in life-mates, kindred spirits. There is some attraction, not physical, when you meet them that make you think, “I know you. I’ve always known you.” I think it is a gift when you find one of them and he has always been one of those people to me. When I had no one or no where else to turn, he was there as my brother and my friend; sadly he is also one of the people I took advantage of with the thought that he was immortal. I’m sure we all have those people that we love so much, but we just assume that they’re always there so we tend to forget to keep up with them. We always say, “It doesn’t matter how long we’re apart, we can just go right back when we meet up again!” The problem with that thought is that sometimes things happen and you might never get to have that chance to go right back.
So I was really angry and really sad. Angry that I had forgot to remember him and sad that he is hurt.
A week ago he had a major stroke and his brain hemorrhaged. He’s paralyzed on one side and the other doesn’t work very well, so he can’t speak. He’s still in ICU and the last I knew they were draining the blood from his brain, fluid from his lungs and keeping an eye on his heart that has grown twice the size it should. He was born with a defect heart that we always joked was ‘forged’, which was why he was immortal. Sigh. He had to be restrained because he’s angry and frustrated. Today I heard he was doing better though and that made all the difference to me.
I took a long walk with my son today after the rain. It was a strong torrent that left everything emerald green and glowing. I took that as a sign that it was time to walk out of all this anger and sadness, to move on into the knowing that he is doing better. That my sorrow and anger is somewhat selfish in comparison to what his family must be going through, his wife and children that are there with him. He’s a strong, stubborn man that will rise out of this like the Sun, but…
I hope he knows that I am thinking about him…
I hope he knows that I’m sorry.